There are a million and one books and articles on habits. Lots of them tell you “if you want to be successful, you need to do X”.

I actually believe habits are very personal – what serves one person might not work for someone else, and I wanted to preface this post with that. That being said, there are five habits that have consistently paid dividends for me and for most of my clients, so I’m sharing them here. My advice: take what you like and leave what you don’t :-).

Look at the positive intent behind every (negative) action

I learned this idea in my neuro-linguistic programming master practitioner training. It was taught as a concept – “behind every (negative) action is a positive intent”, but I’ve made it a habit. If you’re like me and you’re constantly trying to understand yourself better while practicing self-compassion, this habit will serve you well.  

Let’s imagine there’s a behavior you want to change: you want to make decisions more quickly or take action faster. In this example, your slow decision-making process is a negative action. It’s slowing you down, right?

Now, if you asked yourself what the positive intent behind this “negative” action is (i.e. why you take your time with decision making), what comes up for you? For me, the word or positive intent that pops up is “safety”. I want to feel safe (very human) and so the reason I move slowly is that I’m trying to make the best decision possible, one that keeps me safe.

By asking that question, I’m able to get to the root of why I don’t move faster – and it’s not because I’m lazy. Knowing that I’m simply trying to keep myself safe helps me have more compassion for myself and avoid negative self-talk. Every time you feel unsatisfied or disappointed with yourself or performance, ask yourself this question – what’s the positive intent behind this (negative) action? Not only will it help you understand yourself better and what’s actually holding you back, but it’ll also help you practice self-compassion, which most of us could use a lot more of. 

Ask “how does this feel in my body?”

We’re constantly trying to make the right decision. Assessing options, outcomes, and #allthethings. It’s overwhelming, and oftentimes our brains can’t even compute all the variables. Another way to make decisions, without falling down thought rabbit holes is to practice asking ourselves this simple question “how does this feel in my body?” Does the decision feel expansive or contractive? 

This habit is especially powerful in setting boundaries. Off the top of our head, we can’t really articulate what our boundaries are. But, we do know that when someone is asking something of us or pushing us to do something that doesn’t align with us, we don’t feel good. We feel it in our bodies. By practicing the habit of asking “how does this feel in my body”, we can almost instantly learn if the decision or choice in front of us feels expansive or contractive. It helps us make decisions faster that are in tune with our higher selves.

Journal it out 

When in doubt, journal it out. Whether you’re a writer or not, putting thoughts to paper forces us to articulate what we’re thinking, feeling, and as a result, helps us process and move forward. 

If you’re feeling off, rattled, confused, or stressed, take out a pen and write out what’s in your head and heart. Not only is this therapeutic, but it also enables you to objectively look at what’s gotten under your skin and figure out what you can do about it.  

This habit is so powerful because so much of our struggle, indecision, and self-doubt comes from a lack of clarity on what we’re really thinking and feeling. It’s all scrambled eggs in our heads and we can’t really make sense of it. Getting into the habit of pulling out a journal every time you feel bad or stuck is a great first step to start coaching yourself

Tip: I also journal on three things I’m grateful for every day and three positive affirmations I want to embody. If you want inspo or examples, I share some affirmations weekly on my Instagram account under the “Monday Mantras” story highlight. 

Ask “what did I learn from this”?

It’s easy to fall into a downward spiral of self-criticism when we mess something up. But the best and most transformative learning comes from fucking up. Instead of freaking out when something blows up in your face or doesn’t go as planned, approach it with a growth mindset and ask yourself “what did I learn from this?” This habit will slowly guide you to appreciate those hard moments, no matter how difficult, because you’ll see the lesson, however big or small, in that difficult situation. 

When you practice this habit enough, you’ll notice yourself almost appreciating or feeling grateful for your mistakes because of what they’ve taught you. Imagine what it would mean for your daily life if you could fully accept and embrace your mistakes instead of carrying around guilt, regret, or replaying the moment a thousand times in your head. How much more energy and capacity to think clearly and creatively would you have?

View your challenges as occurrences that are happening *for you* (not to you)

 When shit hits the fan or we face a challenge, our de facto thought tends to be “why is this happening to me?”. This mindset positions us as the victim, which is extremely disempowering. It makes us feel like we have no agency and that things aren’t fair. It’s a very human thought pattern, but it’s one that keeps us stuck.  

It’s a completely different mindset to look at our challenges or hardships as things that are happening *for* us – things that are occurring to grow and teach us so we can become our best selves. When we look at our challenges in this light, we don’t resent them – in fact, we begin to appreciate them. Whether you lost a customer, flopped a big launch, bombed an important pitch, or got rejected from a seemingly great opportunity – how did you grow from it? Whether it taught you how to improve for next time or simply thickened your skin so you can be more resilient in the future, looking at our challenges as things that are happening *for* us – things that are growing us into who we’re meant to be – is a much more empowering mindset.